You Can't Win! On Good Omens
by Lady of the Wolves
Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale WERE punished after Good Omens...they had to go on a game show! Along with Contestant Number Three, another friend of theirs, will they be able to survive in this messed-up TV episode? Please R/R.


You Can't Win! On _Good Omens_

By Lady of the Wolves

Dedicated to Savannah

*Rivers of molten lava cascade over a rocky cliff. Cries of pain and horror fill the air. A sign painted in red and black says "Welcome to— Ah forget it, Ha Ha, You're In Hell!"*

Disembodied Voice: And so it was that after the world had "ended" and begun anew, not all was forgiven as easily as some would have hoped…

*Crowley is seen in a white room, surrounded by the children from Warlock's birthday party, who are jumping on him*

Little Girl: You're a horrible clown! Show us a magic trick!

Crowley: No more! Please, no more!

Little Boy: Bring him down! Bring him down!

*Kids climb over Crowley and grab onto him, screaming*

Crowley: For the love of— kill me now! Aaaaaggggghhhhh!

*A kid snatches off his sunglasses and Crowley tries to chase him, but trips on another monster, er, kid and falls down. The children start crying*

Deep Scary Voice: AH, BUT HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT YOU CANNOT DIE, CROWLEY?

Crowley: I can't take it anymore! Anything but this! Whhhaaaa….

*Crowley starts sobbing, beating floor with his fists as children pull his hair*

Deep Scary Voice: I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD ASK FOR THAT…FOR I HAVE FOUND THE IDEAL PUNISHMENT FOR YOU, CROWLEY. THE WORST PLACE ON EARTH TO WHICH I COULD SEND SOMEONE. SOMEONE WHO NEEDED PUNISHMENT BEYOND COMPREHENSION…

Crowley (looking up): Eh?

*Lights flicker on and off, then blaze, theme song plays, camera shows people screaming in audience before focusing on a woman onstage with semi-curly brown hair. The woman is wearing white knee-high platform boots, red capris, and a pink and brown shirt with hearts on it*

Woman: Hi everyone! Do you know what time it is?

*Calls from audience*

Man: I got 4:28!

Woman: No, it's 4:29 and 56...57...58 seconds!

Other guy: 5:31!

Man: 4:28!

*Brawl breaks out in audience over what time it is. Armed thugs quickly pull fighters apart*

Woman Onstage (rolling her eyes and putting her hand on her forehead): Boy, do I _love _this job…

*Woman raises air horn and presses to make a huge, screeching noise. Audience shuts up and everyone covers their ears*

Woman: Thank you! I'm Anita Bath, your host. Welcome to "You— 

Audience: Can't!— 

Anita: Win!" Everybody's favorite game show!

*Audience cheers, the time fight forgotten*

Anita: That's right! On today's episode, we have two very, very special contestants and one not-so-special one. But forget him. Let's welcome Contestant Number One!

A man with neat blonde hair wearing a white silk shirt and dark-purple velvet stretch pants saunters onstage, waving and smiling at the audience. He goes to stand behind the first podium.

*Audience applauds ecstatically*

Anita: Contestant Number One is Aziraphale, a real-life angel who likes to collect old, rare books and sell them on eBay for eight times what they're worth to poor, unsuspecting buyers. 

*Crowd boos* 

Aziraphale: That was just the one time!

Anita (mumbling): Sure, sure. Some angel.

Aziraphale: I resent that!

Anita: Let's give a warm welcome to Contestant Number Two!

*Crowley suddenly appears offstage, sees where he is, screams hysterically, and tries to run away. Armed thugs grab him and drag him onstage and handcuff him to his podium*

Anita: Contestant Number Two is A.J. Crowley! He's a demon who is appearing on the show today as part of his eternal punishment!

*Crowd claps politely*

Crowley (hysterical): NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THIS! I'LL TAKE THE CHILDREN BACK!

Anita: Shut up!

*Anita motions to armed thugs, who glare at Crowley*

Aziraphale (to Crowley): So you got punished too?

Anita: AH-HEM! Now it's time to introduce Contestant Number Three, but he's not special, so don't bother clapping for him.

*Audience cheers*

A tall, thin man with dark hair scuttles onstage quickly. Suddenly he trips and falls on his face 

as his shoelaces tie together. 

*Audience laughs hysterically*

Man: Hey! My shoelaces weren't tied together a second ago!

*Aziraphale glares at Crowley, who is whistling and trying to appear innocent*

Crowley: Maybe this won't be so bad after all…Hey Aziraphale, what's with the pants?

Aziraphale: Remember, I said "punished _too_"?

Anita: Contestant Number Three is Newt Pulsifer. He likes to…ah, who cares what he likes! Let's move on!

Newt: Hey! Aren't you going to say that I like to work with electronics and spend time with my girlfriend?

Anita: No, actually I wasn't. I don't like you.

*Newt sniffles and tries not to cry*

Newt: I never did anything to— 

Anita: MOVING RIGHT ALONG! Are we all familiar with the rules, Contestants?

*Anita stares at Crowley, who is trying to gnaw off his wrist*

Anita: Ooookay then. You each have three lifelines: 50/50, phone a friend, and YOU LOSE!

Aziraphale: What does the last one do?

Anita: DON'T ANY OF THE CONTESTANTS EVER _WATCH_ THE SHOW?

Aziraphale: No, not— 

Anita: I give up! Audience, please enlighten our Contestants.

*Everyone in the audience reaches under his/her seat and throws bouncy balls at Aziraphale and whomever else they feel like throwing one at. Aziraphale and Crowley block the balls, but Newt and Anita get pounded*

Anita: Not me, you idiots! Throw them at him!

Newt (weakly, lying on the floor): Ow…

Anita: Stop it, you fools!

*Audience stops*

Anita: I'm sure you all feel very enlightened.

Aziraphale: Well, actually, I'm not familiar with American television shows, so I don't know— 

Anita: Sucks for you! Now let's move on to the categories!

*Newt is still lying on the floor, moaning in pain. Anita steps on him as she goes over to a screen behind her and waves at it. Nothing happens. She waves again and nothing happens. Audience snickers*

Anita: Hmm…excuse me, please.

*Anita goes behind screen, out of view. A few seconds later, a loud thumping is heard as Anita repeatedly whacks the back of the screen with a baseball bat, screaming something that is censored*

Anita (coming back onstage, smiling and patting her hair down): Let's try again, shall we?

Newt (still on the floor): Uhhh…..pain…..

*Anita waves her hand at the screen, and five gold boxes quickly appear*

Anita: And today's categories are: Drew Carey, HOO-YAH— 

Newt (picking up his head): Isn't that Canadian for "stop the bus"?

Anita: No!

*Anita picks up a random bouncy ball from the floor and chucks it at Newt. It hits him square on the forehead and he goes down again*

Anita (making the "yes!" signal with her arm, mumbling): Another one bites the dust! Ah yes, where was I? Drew Carey, HOO-YAH, Yappy Varmints Named after Small, Indigestible Pastries, Gerbil, and Things Nobody Knows! Contestant Number One, please choose a category.

Aziraphale: Right…well…how about…Gerbil?

Anita: Okay! Your question is: How many pairs of shoes DOES Whitney Houston own?

Aziraphale: Five hundred twenty-seven!

Anita (shocked): That's…that's right!

*Crowd goes wild. Aziraphale lifts his hands over his head, accepting the cheers happily*

Aziraphale: Boo-ya! Word to me, yo! Who's in da house?

*Crowd shuts up, in shock at Aziraphale's extremely bad attempt at American slang. Crowley looks up from his gnawing. Newt does not move*

Aziraphale (uncomfortably): Heh heh…sorry about…that.

Man in Audience: Get him!

Aziraphale: What?! What did I do?

Audience: You insulted our perfectly outrageous slang!

Aziraphale: It wasn't me!

Audience: Yes it was!

Aziraphale: It was him!

*Aziraphale points at a random guy in the audience, who looks around, points at himself in question*

Man: It WAS him!

*Audience attacks the random guy from the audience*

Anita (scoffing): Some angel!

*Aziraphale glares at her and her head catches on fire. Audience stops fighting to watch in interest as Anita, screaming hysterically, runs around onstage with flames leaping up on her face*

Aziraphale: What have I done?!

*Armed thugs rush over to extinguish the fire. Aziraphale bursts into tears*

Anita (weakly): I'm okay.

Aziraphale: I'm a terrible angel. It's all my fault…

Audience: Awwww…

Aziraphale: I'm not special, I just make more problems. Everyone would just be a lot better off without me! Whhhhaaaaaaa…

Anita: ……Contestant Number Two! 

*Crowley, who had resumed his gnawing, looks up again*

Crowley: What is it now?

Anita: Pick a category!

Crowley (depressed): Do I have to?

Anita: You think THIS is punishment? Do you really want to sit through eight hours of the Teletubbies and Mary Poppins?

*Crowley gives an involuntary shudder*

Crowley (mumbling): That's NOT funny. Fine, I pick…eh…the varmints category.

Anita: Okay!

*Anita waves hand at screen behind her. It changes to show a picture of a muffin*

Anita: Your question is: if a brown cow eats green grass, how much milk will it give the next Tuesday?

Crowley: I think…I think I'll use a lifeline.

Anita: Go right ahead! Which one do you want to use?

Crowley (mumbling): And then I think I'll go relax on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for a couple months, and then market my own line of hair-care products, then— 

Anita: What?

Crowley: How about the phone a friend? 

Anita: Great! Who do you want to call?

Crowley: Hmmm…how about Aziraphale? He seems to know the answers.

Anita: I'm sorry, Crowley, but you can only call one of the people who you wrote down before the show.

Crowley: I didn't WRITE down anyone before the show!

Anita: That's too bad, isn't it? 

*Armed thug comes onstage with a message, which he delivers to Anita*

Anita: But wait!

*Audience gasps*

Anita: You DO have someone written down, Crowley!

Crowley: Do I? Who is it, the muffin man? The queen of England?

Anita: Actually, it's your old buddy Hastur!

*Audience cheers*

Crowley: Whoop. Dee. Doo.

Anita: Let's call Hastur!

*Studio-intercom phone rings twice before someone answers*

Hastur: Hello?

Anita: Hi, is this Hastur?

Hastur: That would be correct.

Anita: I'm Anita Bath, host of "You Can't Win!", everybody's favorite game show— 

Dude in Audience: Actually, I like "Wheel of Fortune"— 

*Anita motions to armed thugs, who go after dude with cattle prods*

Anita: Yes, and we're calling on behalf of Mr. A.J. Crowley.

Hastur (evilly): Is that so? I would _love _to help out Crowley!

Anita: Crowley, go ahead and ask Hastur your question!

Crowley: What the— why not. Okay, Hastur: if a brown cow eats green grass, how much milk will it give the next Tuesday?

*Screeching noise is heard in studio coming from Hastur's line. Crowley freezes*

Hastur: Sorry, Crow, but I don't know the answer.

Crowley (very quietly): **What are you doing?**

Hastur: Oh, you know, taking the Bentley for a _spin…_bwahahahaha! 

*Crowley lets out an anguished war cry, rips his handcuffs off his podium, and makes for the studio doors*

Crowley: AAAAGGGGHHHH! MY CAR! MY CAR!

*Crowley almost gets offstage when he slams into an invisible force field*

Disembodied Voice: No angel, demon, or game show fan can get through Satanic Hamster Force Fields! Available in four easy payments of $9999999999.99! Call now and you'll receive two bonus cattle prods as a free gift, a $25.00 value, ABSOLUTELY FREE! Satanic Hamsters Ltd. "Got your nose— _got your soul_."

*Crowley repeatedly throws himself at the force field, picking up spare bouncy balls from the floor and hurling them at the invisible wall. Armed thugs finally bring him down and drag him over to his podium. He is kicking and screaming and biting and scratching*

Anita: I'm sorry, Crowley, but that is NOT the correct answer! As punishment for your incorrectness, you will be…

Audience: ATTACKED BY YOUR OWN PLANTS-TURNED-MONSTERS!

Crowley: MY CAR! MY CAR! MY CAR!

*Armed thugs haul a fighting Crowley off screen*

Anita: Let's watch on our hidden camera!

*Audience cheers. Anita waves hand at screen behind her, which changes to show the inside of a greenhouse. Several giant plant-monsters armed with plastic water-sprayers and empty ceramic flowerpots are trying to get out. The door opens and Crowley is shoved inside. The plants promptly attack him*

Crowley: AAAAGGGHHHH! MY CAR! I WANT MY CAR!

*Screen goes fuzzy and blacks out as camera is damaged by the plants attacking Crowley*

Plant-monster: How do YOU like it?!

*Crowley's screams, consisting mainly of "my car," "Bentley," and "bloody plants" fill the studio. Audience cheers*

Anita: Now, I'm sorry, we have to turn off the camera. 

*Audience "Awwww"s*

Anita: Mr. Crowley will receive a free baptizing ceremony as a consolation prize!

*Polite applause*

Anita: It's time to move on. Contestant Number Three, please— oh yeah, it's _him._

*By this time, Newt has dragged himself over to his podium*

Anita: Pick a category, you loser.

Newt (offended): All right, I will! I pick…wait a second!

Anita (filing her nails): What is it?

Newt (trying terribly hard to be clever): Whatever category I choose, the question will have nothing to do with it!

Anita (blowing her nails): What's your point?

Newt: That's not fair! The questions are impossible!

Anita: Of course they are! And why?

Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!

Newt: Why would anyone in their right mind go onto a show like that?!

Anita: Ah-hem?

Newt: Uh…yeah, well, I didn't know that! Stop being so hateful, you awful woman!

*Anita growls and clutches her nail file in one hand. Audience goes silent*

Newt (gulping): Oh {censored}…

*Anita presses something on the nail file and it changes into a sword. She goes after Newt, who screams and scrambles away from his podium*

Newt: Someone stop this bloody woman! Help! Aaaaggghhh!

*Newt goes flying as he slips on a bouncy ball. Crowd laughs hysterically and Anita looks pleased*

Anita: I was wondering if that would ever happen…

*Anita holds her sword about Newt's throat*

Anita: Any last words?

Strange voice: Not so fast!

*Audience gasps. Audience door opens and a woman driving Newt's Wasabi rolls in*

Newt: Anathema!

Anathema: That's right!

Anita: What do you want?

Anathema: I have come to get— 

*Anathema's car suddenly starts talking*

Wasabi: _Silent as water _

Cascading down in blue falls.

One tire now leaks.

Anathema: What?! Why didn't you tell me earlier?!

*Anathema jumps out of the car and runs onstage*

Anita: Can't you see we're busy?

Anathema: That's MY man you're messing with!

Anita: So?

Anathema: You have to fight me for him!

Anita: Bring it on!

*Anathema reaches into her handbag and draws out a broomstick*

Anathema (muttering): This is SO Halloween!

*Anita and Anathema engage in a sword/broom fight*

Anita: Why do you care if I kill him? I'll be doing you a favor!

Anathema: I caught him sleeping around last week. _I _want to kill him!

Anita: _Him_? Sleeping around? Who'd sleep with _him_?

*Anathema growls and goes for Anita's throat*

Anita: You can have him. Want to borrow this?

*Anita offers Anathema her sword. Anathema takes it and goes after Newt*

Anathema: Come here, you back-stabbing {censored}!

*Audience cheers. Anathema chases Newt around with the sword. The Wasabi rolls down the steps and onstage. Newt runs over and jumps inside*  


Newt: So long, suckers!

*Newt tries to accelerate out, but the car won't work*

Wasabi: _Singing fills the air_

Like a pretty nightingale. 

A busted engine.

Newt: Crap.

*Newt gets out of the car and Anathema chases him out the audience's entrance. The audience cheers*

Anita: That was fun, wasn't it?

*Crowd goes wild*

Anita: Back to Contestant Numero Uno!

*Aziraphale is feeling much better as he spent his waiting time reading "Chicken Soup for the Angel's Soul"*

Aziraphale: Yes?

Anita: Pick a category, darling!

Aziraphale (choosing to ignore the "darling"): How about hoo ya?

Anita: No, no, it's HOO-YAH.

Aziraphale: Isn't that what I said?

Anita: No, you said hoo ya.

Aziraphale: HOO YAH, then.

Anita: No, it's HOO-YAH, with a hyphen.

Aziraphale: I pick that one!

Anita: Okay! Your question is: what is the average velocity of an unladen swallow?

Aziraphale: Ha, this is British humor, I can do this! African or European? 

Anita: I'm sorry, Aziraphale, but that's not the correct answer.

Aziraphale: What?! That's a trick question!

Anita: And since you answered the question incorrectly, I'm afraid that you…

Audience: MUST HAVE YOUR FINGERNAILS CHIPPED AND UN-MANICURED!

Aziraphale: WHAT?!

*Armed thugs go over to "escort" Aziraphale to the center of the stage*

Aziraphale: Not my nails! Do you have any idea how long it took to grow them out like this?!

Anita: Nope!

*Armed thugs begin to hack off Aziraphale's fingernails. The angel screams in horror*

Aziraphale: NO! NO! NOOOOOO!!

*Armed thugs take Aziraphale back to his seat*

Aziraphale (sniffing): Red! They painted them _red_…

*Aziraphale sobs hysterically*

Anita: So sorry, darling. And now it's time to announce the winner!

*Audience goes wild. Anita produces an envelope from inside her capris*

Anita: And…the winner is…

*Anita is interrupted by a loud crash as the Bentley, driven by Crowley, explodes through the studio wall. He is chasing Hastur, who is running for his life*

Crowley: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!

*Crowley laughs hysterically (see above)*

Crowley: SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MESS WITH MY CAR?!?!

Hastur: AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

*There is still a plant tendril curled around one of Crowley's arms*

Aziraphale: Crowley! Over here!

*Crowley drives over to Aziraphale's podium and lets the angel hop in*

Crowley: Now I'll get you, Hastur!

*Hastur runs over and tries to hide behind Anita. Anita uses kung fu to main him with the envelope and throw him into the audience. The audience attacks him and he barely escapes back onstage*

Hastur: I DON'T NEED YOU! I DON'T NEED ANY OF YOU! I'M GOING TO FOLLOW MY DREAM AND BECOME A COWBOY!

*Hastur runs offstage, followed by a laughing Crowley and frightened Aziraphale in the Bentley*

Anita: Yeah. Okay then. The winner is a Mr. People Covered In Fish, by the way.

*Miles away in a London hospital, People Covered In Fish "whooo!"s triumphantly*

Anita: He wins $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, Australia, a lifetime supply of Chapstick, ten major league baseball teams, the South Pole, and 47 brand new cars!

*Polite applause from audience*

Anita: UNFORTUNATELY…

*Audience gasps*

Anita: The London hospital he is currently residing in was JUST subject to a freak meteor shower!

Audience: Awwww…

Anita: SO…whoever wins next time will receive an even more SUPER, FABULOUS prize than EVER BEFORE!

*Audience cheers*

Anita: We'll see you next time on— 

Audience: YOU CAN'T WIN!

Author's Note: That was disturbing. Please forgive me if I have scarred you for life. Oh, and I have nothing whatsoever against Newt or Crowley or Aziraphale, emphasis on Newt. I just needed someone to pick on and he was lucky.

I am AWARE that everyone is really out of character. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY!

Disclaimer: The characters, aside from Anita AND the Armed Thugs, belong respectively to Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Satanic Hamsters Ltd. belongs to my good friend Toni and her family, as does its motto and all related components, aside from the force field.

Please review! 0_o


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